Befriending Grief

“If the doors of my heart ever close, I am as good as dead.” In this one line, poet Mary Oliver points to an essential truth for all of us, especially healers and artists- we have to feel in order to truly live. But a lot of us sensitive types (hello empaths and HSPs) can be derailed by strong emotions.

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This week has been a doozy. 

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I spent almost 30 years covering news and still tune in to  world events. As they say “you can take the woman out of the newsroom, but you can’t take the newsroom out of the woman.”

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Friday, August 13th there was a sense of foreboding as the Afghan city of Kandahar fell to Taliban forces. 

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Saturday, two more major cities were taken over by Taliban.

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Seeing these events unfold on the weekend was stunning. Afghanistan as we knew it was crumbling before our eyes. 

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As Monday rolled around I woke with a heaviness in my body, even before reading news. I usually spring up ready for the day, instead it felt like dragging myself out of bed. I was more distracted than usual, not able to focus on writing, or sit for long in meditation. 

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The world watched- with blinding speed, Afghan President Ghani fled the country, signaling the death knell for the country’s U-S backed government.

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Those two images that we all have seen by now are crushing- Afghans running after and clinging to the U-S C-17 military plane in the capital Kabul, trying to get out. 

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The other photo of the inside of an outgoing military plane- people packed in, fleeing for their lives. 

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What was more harrowing about that second photo was what or rather WHO we didn’t see. Most of those stuffed inside the cargo plane seemed to be able-bodied men fleeing the Taliban. Where are the elderly people- where are the women and children? I could only imagine them huddled, terrified in their homes.

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There was no hiding from grief this week. 

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But sweet Jesus, I tried.

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One of my main ways is to look online for another dog.

I have gone as far as tell a friend “don’t let me get another dog.” This week I scrolled for rescues. “Ooh look at that one, no, not good with kids. May be a biter.” I know I am in trouble when more than an hour has passed and I am deep in a several-state search of labradoodle rescue sites. It’s not a good time for another dog. Truly I am looking for something to distract me from the grief that is right here, right now. The mind thinks, if I had a puppy, I wouldn’t have to feel this grief. 

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How do you try to cover up your grief? Online shopping, sex, food, alcohol? The distractions are endless.

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That’s why we need a system to help us.

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Step one- notice when the doors of your heart are closing. Are you doing more of your distracting or unhealthy behaviors?

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Step two- Allow yourself to feel the grief.  Grief will have its way with you whether you like it or not. There is no controlling it, it just is. Grief is a longing for something that was- a natural response to change. Notice and allow. 

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There are other ways to honor grief or any other strong, completely natural emotion that may be hijacking you.

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Writing helps by naming and even befriending grief.

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In fact, the longer you live, the more closely acquainted you become with grief. 

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Every time I called my 93 year old mother-in-law a few years ago, she was going to another funeral. Soon the funerals stopped. “All of my friends have died,” she told me. That is a truth for all humans- we all will die. 

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Why not befriend grief? As the poet Rumi writes: “this being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all!”

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 When we grieve it’s not for the one who has left, really it’s for ourself. We will miss our relationship with the departed, the sound of their voice, their smell. 

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Meditation can help. Sitting in stillness can help the body feel safe and rest more deeply. As the body rests, the stress response of grief can ease.

The mind can notice subtleties, depth and become more perceptive. 

Ah hah there is grief, my old friend.

It no longer surprises me.

I am able to adjust, make room for it- even welcome it in and keep the doors of my heart open.

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If you’d like some practical strategies to return to calm, I invite you to my online workshop “Keeping the Doors of your Heart Open” on September 23 from 6:30- 8pm ET. We will look at and practice ways to stay grounded, connected and ease anxiety that may be associated with grief.

Email kelley@avolvewellness.com for details.